so it is

When I drove home the other day, I kept telling myself that the right thing never ever tastes good going down. That no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how badly I might try to avoid it-someone is getting hurt. In spite of that, no matter what happens, and I told myself this over and over again, practically tearing the steering wheel out of my car like that would help me believe it-I'm going to be okay.

I know a good deal of people scoff at astrology, but I don't. I am a Libra, I favor balance above all things. If I cannot find balance (and yes, I am aware that not everything in life can be sliced equally) I am not a harmonious motherfucker. I'm not saying I have panic attacks when the moon is in Uranus or Jupiter and think it's going to ruin my life, but I like to read my horoscope. I also look at the horoscopes of people I care about, and sometimes even the horoscopes of people I do not want anywhere near me. For the past few months/weeks/days (these last two weeks in particular) I have not been a harmonious motherfucker at all. Isn't that a surprise, you'll say. This whole fucking blog hasn't been shit but me whining. On the plus side, no one reads this thing on a regular basis, so no one else is suffering.

I have a lot of things to write about in my other blog, my private blog, but the act of doing it is exhausting. When I go without writing in it for awhile, I tend to have a lot of things to say, and the more I write, the more things I discover about myself and my current predicament. As much as I might need to expel all of this noxious shit, the last thing I need right now is more things to worry about. Instead of writing about everything in my head, I am forcing myself to write my story, which can give me some peace and quiet and allow me to wreck people's fictional lives instead of my own, which always brings me joy.

If I cannot find balance in my situation, I am going to try my best to find balance elsewhere. Instead of sitting at home and despairing over things I have no control over, I am going to try to write. To take pictures. To hang out with my family. Play on my VR. Read. Stop hurting myself any more than necessary, because the more I hurt myself, the more I'll panic and probably hurt someone else without meaning to. Try to reconcile myself to the fact that there are some things you can't control, and that there are some knots that only time can unravel.

That sixteen year old Rae who still takes up a goodish amount of real estate in my head, who likes to inject nonsensical high school ideas into my brain, who likes to pout, who is unforgiving and harsh and defeatist-she has been rocking me back and forth for the past two weeks like a storm-drunk boat, so much in fact, that when I finally managed to interrupt her with sensibility and rational thought, I found myself marveling at the fact that I can actually DO that. Silencio the fucking bitch. And once I did that, things made a little more sense. Didn't hurt any less, but it's a lot easier to deal with reality when a hormonal sixteen year old isn't calling the shots and telling you that everyone who is willing to let you go is letting you go forever. Love means something different when you are sixteen. At sixteen, it's all or nothing. If someone doesn't talk to you, you assume that they don't care, that they don't miss you, don't love you. If someone lets you go, it's the end. When you are an adult and someone doesn't message you, you either have to believe in what you know to be true, or let the doubts drown you. And when you are an adult, goodbye doesn't necessarily mean forever. Sometimes it just means not right now.

All I can do is put one foot in front of the other. I won't always feel like this. I won't always feel like this.

Right?

-Rae

Dec 5, 2018 - A certain relationship may be brought to a deadlock today. However, this is not really anything to worry about, as long as you take care to communicate any concerns or issues to your partner (current or prospective) in such a way that bridges are created between you, rather than trust being destroyed. In a few days this rough patch will have cleared, and things will look rosy once more.