zzyzx road

Excitement. Something we so easily take for granted, when we begin to love someone.

What will you show me? What will I learn? Who will I be after you brush against me for so long? Where will we go? And for that matter, will we go again? Will it keep getting better? 

The comfort. No matter how many times we rub off on each other, no matter how many times we arrive, we're always arriving at home. The outside world might be full of temptation, but nothing beats the arms that know you. The way you think of me-an investment. Betting on all the right things. All that time put in. How could we go wrong?

The safety. The feeling that no matter where you go, you can turn around and swim back, if the waters up ahead are too fearsome to navigate alone.

The grind. The bills and the dentist appointments and the time you get up and the time you have to be at work and the time you have to leave and your grocery shopping and your electric bill and the internet is shut off again, will we make it to payday? The things that stick to the gears and interrupt the dream.

The frustration. Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Is it my hair? Is it what I eat? Is it because I am too familiar? What is it? Is it lack of experience? Is the outside world looking brighter to you? Have I dimmed?

The loneliness. I've done this before and I never ever thought I'd have to do it again. Not with you. The unfairness of it all-I don't get lonely when I'm alone, just when I choose to twine my life with someone else's. Isn't that just fucking kick me in the balls fantastic? 

The anger. Why does everyone else get the best of you? Why, when everything I had ended up with you? How do you get to keep all of it and still sleep at night? Why should I have to compete with the whole goddamn world just to be one of your priorities?  

The hopelessness. 

The worthlessness.

The temptation. On my part this time. First there was guilt. Now, there isn't.

The worry. The insecurity.  The second guessing. The humiliation. 

All of this stupid fucking schoolgirl behavior. Bargaining. Secrets. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Terror. Can I do this? Can I do this on my own? I am more than the years we shared together...if one of us has left it behind, why can't I? The investment didn't go bad. You just stopped investing.

Heartache. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. Before it's too late.

Numbness. Cloying. Too late.

And then, finally-the absence of all of that. Nothing. A dark, cool void in my chest. A relief, compared to everything else. 

So do I get to go back to the beginning? All those years of development, and the picture looks like this? What's the use of taking another picture? Why inflict myself and all of this built up shit on someone else? What if, after all of this, I have this box of broken parts of me that I can't reassemble because all the little pieces that used to make them work, the cog, the pin, the wheel-they're all fucked beyond repair? I can't ask anyone to repair them. Only me myself and time can do that. I do not want to end up the type of person that can't stand to be single. That never ends well.

And then it occurs to me that the only way this insecure, needy, over-sensitive and overall RIDICULOUS asshole (me) can be shut down is if I shut her up. No more coming home and kicking myself in the balls for all of the stupid shit that leaves my mouth. No more reaching. I keep slipping up. I have to internally pinch myself every time I reach. I have to stop. I need to stop. No more need.

Need is the reason I find myself a veteran of this, a war with no name.

I don't want to need anything anymore.

If it were just me, I wouldn’t have to worry about the hot, the cold. I wouldn’t have to hold anyone to their word. I wouldn’t have to worry about the bed being empty, because it pretty much has been for a long time. No worrying about what someone is hiding behind their smile, or if every little change in their mood signifies that I am somehow not enough. I wouldn't have to annoy them with all of the 'what are you thinkings' and 'what's wrongs' because it's just me. I'm so tired of doing that to people I care about. What I need from another person (right now, at least)  is hardly logical, way too idealistic, way too much for anyone to keep up with. I created these standards a long time ago out of necessity-I wrote them and nurtured them and I know better than anyone else that they are simply not realistic. It is not something lacking of anyone around me; it is simply what my brain does to compensate, a defense mechanism of sorts. When my hormones even out, when I finally stop being disappointed in myself, I can start having sensible expectations of people again. 

i apologize for the bleak outlook. hormones and girl stuff and it'll be somewhat better tomorrow.

in good news (as to not sound completely and totally fucking emo)

-thanksgiving thursday. which means ruth's chris. and mashed potatoes. mmmm. mashed potatoes.

-renfaire this weekend. mmm. renfaire. chocolate cheesecake on a stick. sparkly things. boobs.

-went to cemetery today. did some good.

-halfway done with christmas shopping. whew.

-naan bread.

-finally feel like taking pictures again.

-saw overlord. brutal shit. 

-denial. mmm. denial. 

What am I supposed to hide now? What am I supposed to do? Did you really think I wouldn't see this through?

Tell me I should stick around for you Tell me I can have it all. I'm still too tired to care and I got to go