under pressure

We went and saw Bohemian Rhapsody Friday night. Scott met us at my work and we met Lacey @ Applebee's in Elmwood, ate a decent dinner (for Applebees, who the fuck puts honey BBQ on a fucking club sandwich) and went to Best Buy and Five Below to waste the time. I got a Chewy doll (which I love love love) and at the movies I got this drink called Twig & Berries which tasted like gin on crack. It was Ryan Reynold's gin, so no wonder it tasted bitter going down.

The movie was pretty fucking awesome and we enjoyed it thoroughly. I don't remember Freddie Mercury at all; I wasn't even born when Live Aid was filmed, but I've always liked Queen's music, so it was very interesting to see how it all went down.

Weekend was not bad-ate Katie's on Saturday morning (feta fries, mmmm) and tried to go to the French Quarter, but there was some sort of African parade going on so we had to get the fuck out of there before I committed vehicular homicide. Yesterday I wanted to get some work pants, so we ate breakfast at Huddle House, but when we tried to hop on i10, there was an 18 wheeler fire blocking the turnaround, so we had to go all the way to fucking Hammond for two pairs of pants, then all the way to Baton Rouge so we could do a loop and hop on i10, then go all the way to LaPlace from there. Needless to say, we were tired. Watched Castlevania for awhile and then took a nap (I felt like shit once I woke up but it was worth it) and now I just want more sleep.

I think I am pushing myself too hard.

When I want to do something, I do it. When there is a hotel room to be booked or an event to get ready for, I get it done, I don't fucking wait around till the last minute. When I want something, I buy it. When I'm done with something or someone, I know when I'm done. But when it comes to things I can't rush on, I castigate myself. I rush myself. In my head, I keep imagining letting people down, burning bridges I'm not ready to burn, hurting people for my decision, or even worse-the lack of one. I am not usually indecisive and I fucking hate it when I am.

I know nobody is trying to push me or force me or influence me. I know that the only hand at my back is my own. However, I am drowning under my indecision, and I know other people will be affected by it. I don't like to make other people wait for me. I usually don't have to.

But everything that might happen or could not happen or will happen is starting to keep me up at night. I've said it before, I'll say it again: I'm like a shark, I gotta keep moving. If you can't keep up with me, I can't sink with you. I have very little room for error right now. I can't coddle or twist in the wind. It may make me cruel. It might make me impatient.

But the fact remains is that I am 33 years old. I don't have the energy to help people grow up.

I was talking to a friend late last night and she reminded me that I have to do what I have to do when I'M ready to do it. I can't put myself on this self-inflicted timeline and possibly come to a sane and rational decision with all of this on my shoulders. If I rush myself, I'm going to end up hurting everyone and damaging myself, and I'm already two feet on that road. I don't want to go any further until I'm sure I know which fork to take.

And it's nobody's fault but my own.

-Rae