I'm usually a sound sleeper; it's rare that I toss and turn or get up for any reason at all, but last night, I might has well have slept on a bed of nails. It's not often that I dream, wake up, then fall right back asleep into my dream, but I did.
Some twelve years ago, I was dating a different man then I am now. I had been dating him for about 3-4 years, and I had fondness for him, but he was far from the love of my life, if there is such a thing. At that point, I was young enough and foolish enough to think that time wasn't expensive, that I could just fuck around. I didn't go into that relationship with a sound mind, and once I got into it, well, it was hard to just get back out. I ended up gradually moving in with him and his Dad, in a country ass town about 30 minutes away from where I grew up. I didn't have a driver's license when I moved in, so I was at his mercy. This parish made the one where I grew up look like a sprawling metropolis. In Luling, where I grew up, Walmart was the social hotspot. In Raceland, well-the Walmart there was one of those old school Walmarts where they only really sold a few things, and more to the point-I didn't know anyone there. Suffice it to say-I was bored as FUCK. When it got nearer to the end, I did have a driver's license, something that I think my ex did not like, given that he liked to be involved in EVERYTHING I did, even girl's nights. Anyway, our relationship was growing stagnant. He kept falling asleep on me, ignoring me, just being a neglectful asshole. Me, I keep moving, I'm like a shark. If you can't keep me occupied, I lose interest. I was also young, and this was not long after Katrina. Things were still a little surreal in LA. We definitely weren't in Kansas anymore.
I didn't mean to, but I fell in love with someone else. This is not my way. Pain in the ass though the ex was, I was not in the habit of cheating, even if I was unhappy. I tried to stop it, but I couldn't. And my ex knew it. He tried to step up to the plate to pull me back in again, but it was too late. He even took me on an ill-fated trip to Houston, but all I remember of that time is sitting in the hotel dining room, despondently eating chicken tenders and feeling as if I was with a total stranger. That trip made me realize that I couldn't pretend anymore. It was also the day I discovered honey mustard tasted like nail polish remover, but that's irrelevant.
I remember the day I called my cousin to come and get me from his house. I remember crying and trying to pack up as much shit as I could; I didn't want to have to go back. My ex wasn't there that day. I knew if I would have tried to leave, he would have probably stopped me. I knew if I would have called him, he would have shot back home and stopped me. So my cousin picked me up and drove me back to my Mom's. I had to go to work-I was working at the Quiznos in my hometown, and my ex was at my best friend's house, a few streets away. I went to my best friend's house, took him aside privately, and ended it, as gently as I could. Despite all of our problems, I hated hurting him. Whether I had fallen in love with someone else or not, being with him was slowly killing me. Even now, when I think about it, I feel an immense sense of guilt. But it was unfair for both of us if I would have stayed, and though my new relationship didn't work out (and my ex was gleefully happy about this) I didn't go back. We tried to stay friends, but it always got in the way.
I don't think about this time in my life very much. I have enough to worry me now; to hell with the past, and yet-last night I dreamt I was back in that house. I can still see it perfectly, even smell it. In my dream, it was much shabbier, much dirtier, much dustier. It was present day, but my ex was still there, and unlike present day, he was single. I was there to pick up the rest of my stuff from 2007, and he was not happy about it. All of my toiletries were still in the bathroom, like he used them or smelled them or something-that was a bit creepy. I kept going into every room and finding stuff I had left behind. Even my clothes were accurate. For some reason he asked me to add him to social media, and it was under an anime name, and a woman's profile pic at that. That struck me as a little weird, seeing as though the dream Rae actually did it. And I kept waking myself up out of confusion, bleary eyed, trying to roll to a cooler side of the bed so I could finally relax and sleep, but it's 12:30 and I'm here till 6 and all I want to do is sleep. Needless to say, the dream freaked me out a little.
Because I kept having that feeling I used to have-like I was drowning.
I've gone back to Raceland a few times in the past few years and I don't think his Dad lives there anymore. My ex has since gotten married, moved away, and had children. He is one of two exes I am not on cordial terms with, due to some friction with said wife, and well-for obvious reasons.
I saw my ex at our local Comic Con a few years ago, with the wife and kids. He looked unhealthier then he had when we had dated. We didn't say hello. Despite what happened between us, I wish him nothing but the best. I used to resent him a great deal, but I know he had better cause to resent me. After all, I did fall in love with someone else, right under his nose. Maybe I got my due for that. I just know I never want to feel like that again.
There's a cemetery down the road that I like to visit when NOLA gets stale. It's a longer drive for me now then it was then-about 40-45 minutes, and when I'm in Raceland I feel as if my past waits for me on the parish line. I try not to do the stalker thing and drive past their house, but being a nostalgia whore can sometimes have a strong pull. It seems so long ago, like another person went through all of it. I had almost forgotten it until the past caught up with me a few years ago. Sometimes I wonder if we are doomed to repeat the same scenario in our lives, over and over, with different people, until we learn to get it right.
I don't want to be that same girl, years older, sitting in a strange hotel with a man I don't even recognize anymore. I don't want to crash against that unavoidable truth-that it's over, and no waiting or denial or magic wand could fix it, nor go back and erase it. But, the simple fact remains is that
life
punishes
us
for
what
we
can't
imagine
But I am not the same girl. And this is not the same man.
Rae