london bridge

I know that nothing in this life is guaranteed.

Not happiness, not prosperity, long life, and especially not love. Nothing is certain and because of that we have to rely on 'gut feelings' and even those can't be 100% foolproof. You have to have faith, which is harder to come by than any of those things. Everything you do is a leap of faith.

But it's nearly 2020, and taking leaps of faith is financially suicidal. Milk almost costs $5 and car insurance is murder and it's almost too much to rely on the fact that God, wherever he is, is going to take care of you at the end of that jump. As much as I would like to put everything in the hands of a higher power, I just can't seem to let go that much. It's not God that may get evicted (I'm not, but you know what I mean) and it's not God that's going hungry or having his credit destroyed or might lose everything he has. I know that's the point of faith, to have it even though all the signs say you shouldn't, but it is 2020, and faith is a dangerous thing to have. Besides, God has bigger things to worry about then rent or credit cards or food in the fridge, so it's every pirate captain for herself. I don't know; maybe I need to watch The Shack again.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to take a leap of faith again after this year. Of course, I have to give myself a break (it's a constant refrain these days, give yourself a break) because it's only been a year and I'm still figuring out my place and all that bullshit. I just wish this period of uncertainty was over, but, of course, that's me, always wanting to get to the end without experiencing the journey. Always in a rush to get abso-fucking-lutely nowhere. In 2020, that is what I'm going to try to work on. I am also going to try to remember that failure to plan on others' parts does not constitute an emergency on mine. I came dangerously close to burning myself out these past two months and I can't do it, not anymore, despite what my natural inclinations are.

Thank Christ I'm off Wednesday. Doing insurance has been nerve-wracking because I have a very bad feeling that I'm missing a lot of things, but I can't seem to put my finger on it. I should have asked Karen more questions before she left. Thank God she'll be back on Thursday. I just need to get through today, tomorrow, and Thursday, and then I'm off on Friday.

Laudano is supposed to be meeting me at my place Friday AM/PM, and then Lacey, Bryan, and Scott are coming to sleep over. Saturday AM we wake up and drop off our stuff at hotel, park, then go to Con. I saw The Rise of Skywalker this past weekend (at first I liked it but then after thinking about it I didn't feel so hot about the whole thing) and even though it wasn't the best, it really made me want a lightsaber. At Big Easy I found one I really liked at UltraSabers (it's called the Fallen) but it's $150 and that money could really be used for Disney/Disney stuff. I don't know, I'll see. If that glitter girl is there then I'd rather get some more glitter, I can get a saber next year, especially if Big Easy is sticking around. In other good news, I was able to swing the film for Disney using gift cards and Go365 money. I also have some $ coming to me from ReceiptPal so I'll probably put that towards the solar charger, or maybe some glitter flats. I don't have very much left to get, since the film was the big part.

This past weekend I went and saw Star Wars and ran to Whole Foods and got some of that Klare cheese that Monica had at her place. I almost wiped out in the parking lot and totally fucked up my toe due to the fucking rain so that sucked, but it doesn't really hurt unless I bump it on something. I also got some pretty good Creole Herb dip and a Chantilly cupcake for my Nanny's boyfriend Rey. Stopped over at his shop because it was his birthday and had some cake and food with my aunt and my mom and his daughter. Went back home and cleaned up a little and watched the Mandelorian with Scott (the cheese was good but not as good as it was at Monica's, maybe you need a charcuterie board for it to be good, who fucking knows) but I also have a new cheese knife so I feel like I'm doing something with my life, maybe.

Yesterday we didn't do much except go to the movie theatre and lie around and went and ate at Casa Garcia (fajitas were pretty good) and then stopped at Gamestop and came home.

This week I am going to concentrate on the fun I am going to have this weekend and try not to worry about everything else. Just gotta keep the apartment somewhat clean, which shouldn't be hard. I have no plans for New Years Day except cleaning anyway.

I know the journey is the whole point, but I'm nervous about not having a destination.

-Rae