prepare for head explody

What it's been like in my head for the past few weeks:

Christmas presents autum riley check check should I get him one more thing fuck I hate not being able to do Secret Santa at work holy fuck I have to get Dad's gift god I hope I get enough for Universal or I'm screwed I have to get makeup organizer packing cubes solar charger fuck how the hell am I going to do a hotel room for comic con I really need to just skip it but maybe I can find a good deal also my flats are shot need another pair go to 5 below fuck they don't sell them anymore maybe online okay here's a cute pair add it to the fuckin list need film for camera bring Watson to John for him to look at it let me look online for discounts on that olde 77 room fuck I can't swing that, does it really matter what kind of room we're in, we're going be shitfaced anyway oh good everyone's amendable to another room ugh how the fuck does comic con tickets for one day cost more then my hotel room portion I should really wait to see if it goes down but what if it doesn't what it for some reason it sells out even though in the whole time we've been going to con it has never sold out no no no just get it because if you don't you're going to lie awake and worry about it you have to buy it NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW calm the fuck down it's fucking midnight it doesn't matter you have the money do it do it do it okay it's fucking done 70 dollars fuck I wasn't expecting that okay well whew that's crossed off the list okay hotel room okay have to do math ugh now I have to corral everyone into giving me money goddammit I can't fucking cover your half what the fuck do you think I'm made of ugh you've been knowing for the past few weeks we were doing this fine hotel room booked whew okay gift bags bought oh goddammit what did I eat fuck YOU NEED TO DECORATE THAT XMAS TREE NOW BEFORE XMAS IS OVER DO IT NOW NOW NOW fuck you I can barely get out of bed down medicine down medicine three whole days shot okay xmas tree done oh SHIT I forgot about the deposit AND the parking for the hotel and how am I going to manage to swing all of this on a non payment week oh god I hope I get money for Xmas okay I know you feel bad but you have to sit down and do your bills so you know where you stand, fuck just let me sit down on the couch and watch a movie the world won't end if I don't do it right now yes it will DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT OKAY I'M DOING IT FUCK oh shit that final number is not good ugh Christmas please come through for me okay well after comic con it's going to calm down (jesus I hope) okay Karen is out for next week and the week after so you're in charge of authorizations AND training Katie alright Laudano's coming to con have to redo all the math all over again gotta give him info to get here how to order tickets gotta check and see who else is coming to con message everyone post in group hardly anyone answers alright well fuck it I guess whoever shows up okay Christmas presents wrapped and ready to go buy meatballs wake up at 5am to make meatballs ugh Laudano and Bryan haven't paid me yet have to remind them about it without seeing like a nag I wonder if I can go get a muffaleta no you have enough to worry about just get a fucking sandwich you entitled asshole god I don't want to put any more money on my credit card okay con math is all done just have to make sure they both pay me on FB and have to isolate that money don't forget to get money order on Friday to pay rent you have to do your grocery list need conditioner and burgers and EVERYTHING else oh fuck drama drama drama I'm really afraid of going to Disney world have to see how much Sid's suitcase measures so I don't go over Southwest limit holy fuck woman it's not that big of a deal you have to take it step by step yes go take a Xanax, no IT ALL HAS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW don't forget to research those rides so we can book fastpasses soon have to explain all this shit all over again to Lacey please let me get enough money to go to Universal or I'm fucked make sure you're off on the day of Kevin Smith don't forget to make sure you use your GPT to make up any hours you lost on Xmas Eve I wonder if I still get 2019 benefits for insur or if I do 2020 or does Karen do that when she comes in fuck I can't bother her okay Christmas Eve leave work grab Jack grab meatballs and overnight bag how the hell am I going to do Christmas in the oaks this weekend with Dani worry about that later NO YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT NOW NOW NOW shut the fuck up I can't do anything until I see what the Christmas haul looks like YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR STORY oh Christ I can do universal thank God okay have to go to bank day after Christmas LET'S DO IT NOW no I don't trust putting money in the automatic dispenser BUT WHAT IF THEY SELL OUT they won't sell out it's fucking Universal chill out man ugh I can't make Granny wait until Disney to get a gift from me stop at Walgreens buy gift card yay Christmas went well gift cards out the wazoo MAKE SURE YOU PUT THEM IN YOUR BENTO BOX THE SECOND YOU WALK INSIDE I have to buy that cheese it's fantastic need to go to Whole Foods fuck I feel horrible I couldn't get gifts for everyone this year have to do Xmas shopping in fucking August now well at least I have some money left over but I have to save that for con GET THAT BOOK ABOUT THE DEAD PEOPLE no no no you don't do ANYTHING until Disney stuff is bought and you get your film okay RIGHT WHEN YOU GET HOME YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR GIFT CARDS IN fuck you when I get home I'm taking a shower and relaxing NO YOU NEED TO PUT EVERYTHING AWAY AND UPLOAD THE PICTURES no goddammit it can wait NO IT NEEDS TO BE DONE okay chill the fuck out stop having nervous breakdowns in the shower take your time fuck I've never done an Uber I hope everything goes okay with Universal YOU HAVE TO GET THAT BOOK ABOUT THE DEAD PEOPLE no fuck you I will go online and look for a pdf YOU HAVE TO GO IMMEDIATELY TOMORROW AFTER WORK AND DEPOSIT MONEY AND DO A RETURN FOR SCOTT'S SHIRT alright fuck this, rae take a shot but don't drink all of it because you have to save it for comic con okay wake up grab package fuck it doesn't fit in the fucking mailbox have to go to all the way to the post office oh well I can do it on the way to the bank WHEN YOU GET TO WORK MAKE SURE YOU CHECK ON THE WEBSITE TO SEE IF YOU CAN GET DISCOUNTED DAYS FOR UNIVERSAL DO IT THE SECOND YOU GO IN oh FUCK those days aren't applicable oh well I guess I have to just pay a few bucks extra fuck I left the rest of the $ at home shit I'd better make sure I'm buying it for the right day have to ask Mom fuck she doesn't wake up till 12 or after fuck I don't want to go home and then have to leave again fuck fuck fuck YOU HAVE TO BUY TICKETS TODAY I will I have to talk to Mom first oh fuck I left my tennis shoes over at her house I do not want to drive all the way back to Luling I wonder if she can bring them to me or someone can bring them WHEN YOU GET HOME YOU HAVE TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH AND CLEAN THE APARTMENT YOU HAVE PEOPLE COMING OVER that's not for another fucking week chill the fuck out YOU HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY dude I have a whole week chill out Mom wake up wake up wake up I need to know this ugh goddammit woman YOU NEED TO BUY SO MUCH SHIT FOR DISNEY YOU HAD BETTER WORK OVER TIME YOU NEED TO DO SOME SURVEYS BUY SOME HAIR DYE FOR THE TRIP DON'T FORGET YOU NEED TWO KINDS OF DYE ONE TEAL AND ONE TO COVER IT UP YOU SHOULD BLEACH YOUR HAIR TONIGHT SO IN CASE IT COMES OUT FUCKED UP YOU HAVE TIME TO FIX IT BEFORE CON YOU SHOULD REALLY START LOOKING AT YOUR PACKING LIST FOR DISNEY are you nuts Disney is two months away chill the fuck out just concentrate on getting the things you NEED okay you have to go grocery shopping tomorrow after work get dog food go to Target GO TO WHOLE FOODS AND GET THAT CHEESE no that can wait

And that's not just Christmas. That's all the time.

My brain wants to do things immediately. My brain CRAVES that sensation of checking things off a list, craves it the way a junkie needs smack, and it will NOT let me rest until it's done, even though logically I know that the world is not going to implode if I do not do that specific thing RIGHT THERE. But if I don't, I will obsess about it. I will stay awake over it. I will have massive bouts of anxiety that I don't always verbalize. I get even more anxious when I realize how I probably drive others crazy with it and that no one wants to be with someone this anal and neurotic, but it's OCD. It's like someone with a very high level of OCD lining pencils up, and one is out of order. It's not the end of the world, but it just NEEDLES at you. And why suffer through all of that anxiety if it just takes one simple action to fix it? Of course, if it's not a pencil, it's something else-for example- I've been trying to replay Assassin's Creed in an attempt to distract my brain from all of that bullshit, but even in the game, I can't stop myself. I can't leave an island or a city or even a swatch of ocean until all of the treasure chests and challenges and shanties are collected on. It's mindnumbingly tedious but if I don't do it it'll drive me insane.

I think I also believe that if you're not on top of things and you just meander through life la tee da oh well it'll be fine it'll work out no matter what you might end up missing out on a lot of things. Of course, the reverse is also true. If you plan for every minute of it, you may miss even more. But me, once I get to Disney, I'm doing my best to go with the flow. It's not so much when I get there (then the voice calms down, considerably) but preparing to get there. Already my brain is going beyond Disney, to potential tubing trips and Mechacon and the next Oddities Con, though I am getting a LOT better at stopping myself and saying "one thing at a time." It may not look like it, but there used to be no 'voice of logic' there. I know that if I let myself keep going that way, my brain is going to fry itself. Really, I've trained my brain to act this way, so it's nobody's fault but my own.

I suppose my job doesn't help. Every week I come face to face with some of the most irresponsible and entitled people I've ever met (not my coworkers). They want you to do everything for them. They can't read a schedule, can't remember when they're going on vacation, can't even remember that their ride can't bring them at a certain time. It gets old, and by the time I'm done with a full week of that, having to deal with that in other people (especially when I'm not getting paid to do it) drives me batshit. My brain will NOT let me NOT have it all together, so it doesn't understand why other people can't get it together as well. It doesn't understand why if you have to be somewhere at 9 and you know there's traffic or you have to do stuff beforehand, why can't you wake up at 7:30? Why make people wait on you? This is why the whole 'go with the flow' thing drives me nuts. Believe me, I wish I could, but even if it meant shutting off that voice, I'd rather have my shit together.

But still

I need therapy.

-Rae