something in the air

Things. They've been happening.

Over this past week and half I've been having a somewhat rough time of it. Not going to go into many details but suffice it to say that I'm getting a taste of what it's like when someone's insecurity makes you feel like you're in a box, and it's not a good feeling. I've been that insecure person and now I'm starting to realize how exhausting it is to be responsible, or at least feel responsible, for someone's every worry. I'm also starting to realize how much I've closed myself off. I'm not doing it to be mean or petty, but it's a survival skill that has never kicked in until now. I've been getting a lot of tastes of my own medicine, and let me tell you, that medicine wears you out. My hair started falling out and that was when I knew I needed to slam down the brakes.

After a long talk with two good friends of mine that helped immensely, I am starting to develop my own boundaries, and let me tell you, it feels good. Usually I go along with things to keep the peace, even if I don't want to do them. Not anymore. I can't be put in a box. It makes me realize how free I really was to do as I liked before, and how much freedom I really need as a result.

By Thursday/ Friday things had more or less calmed down, so when I got off Friday Scott and I went grocery shopping and then came back to my apartment and swam for a bit. Wanted to go grab the steam cleaner so we went to LaPlace, stopped at Mathernes and grabbed some chicken salad, club sandwiches, and naan bread, then met up with Lacey and Sid at the tattoo parlor, where Sid was getting his sleeve done. While he was finishing that up we went to his condo and watched Disney videos while Scott played with the VR, then Sid came back and we drank Jack and talked for awhile. Mom called and told me she booked the flight for Disney. Left LaPlace and came back to my place and fell asleep.

Scott went to work on Saturday morning so I got up and bought a ticket for Beignet Fest (I was fighting with myself all week, but I made myself go) and got dressed and headed out there. It was hell trying to find parking, especially since I wasn't familiar with that part of City Park, but I managed to find a spot about a ten minute walk away. It was hot as fucking hell out there, but man, was it worth it. The first beignet I got (and I made a beeline for it) was the Monte Cristo (to die for) then Oreo, PBJ (holy mother of god it was like the diabetes superstore) then pork couchon with hollandaise (it was amazing) and then finally shrimp etouffee. There were others there I really wanted to try but $ and lack of room in my stomach prevented me from doing so, so I walked around and got a t-shirt, then a cute little postcard of a t-rex. It was beyond boiling at that point so I left. By the time I got to my car (I had to do a nineteen point turn to get out, someone had blocked me in) I was exhausted. Despite the heat, I'll definitely go back, I enjoyed myself a lot. I stopped at Hobby Lobby to get a picture frame for my CCR poster and then went home, where I took a bath and watched LOTR and was lazy for the rest of the day. The frame is the wrong size so I have to go back to Elmwood at some point this week. Didn't do shit on Sunday besides go get gas and go to CVS. Laid around and watched LOTR and took plenty of baths, steam cleaned and straightened up my apartment. Autum was going to come by to swim but it was raining so she didn't end up showing.

I have the day off Friday, and Groupon was running an EXCELLENT deal on a spa treatment, so I did a fuckload of surveys and managed to snag a detox bath, haircut & shampoo, and deep facial for $51, originally $115. Going on Friday, which I have off. On Saturday I'm going to Velvet Cactus with my people, and then beyond that I have no idea. Don't want to do anything major, it's 34, not a big deal. Don't even really want anything. Scott wanted me to go to a football game on Friday but it's not my thing, and the mac and cheese fest is on Saturday but since I'll have just gouged myself on fajitas I don't think I'll be hungry.

It is evidently the anniversary of our last trip to Gatlinburg and it's bothering me a lot to look at the memories, so I'm not. I don't look at the memories on FB anymore. My sister keeps on tagging me in Gatlinburg memories and I had to ask her to stop it. It is not easy to accept that it was in another life so I'm trying not to hurt myself needlessly. For the most part I try to keep myself busy enough to where I don't stress myself out, but sooner or later I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I have to let things go, not by choice but out of necessity. Whatever's going to happen will happen, but ten years is still a hard thing to keep in my rearview mirror. I have long since accepted that this thing we're doing is for the best, and I have seen and felt myself change (and seen him change too) and I know it's for the good of both of us, but I'm only human and it still hurts. Sometimes I get angry, and I get bitter, and a part of me wants to lash out or hurt someone, but I know that's not the answer, so I isolate myself to prevent that, and I no longer care whether or not people take offense at it.

In good news, my light bill finally went down, it's supposed to get cool soon (there was finally a breeze when I woke up, thank God) and Jack is doing better thanks to CBD oil and the youtube dog relaxation mix, which I keep on while I'm gone. I also just got an email from the librarian at HHS, I contacted her to see if I can access their library for a project of mine and she emailed me back and said I was welcome to come on Thursday and scan whatever I want, so I am excited about that. It'll be crazy to go back to HHS; usually I'm not too fond of going back there because my time there wasn't easy, but I'm almost 34 so it's time to leave that shit behind. I also discovered that if I combine cookie dough with raspberry rose dove bars, I end up with something that is so lovely that it can barely be described.

things to do-work on focusing skills, write more, do more surveys, don't let anyone push me into a corner or feel guilty for things I like to do.

-Rae