confusion, there's nothing new

I've always had materialistic ways.

Not something I'm proud of; it's the way I'm built.

But it's funny how I can talk myself out of a buy in ten seconds. I literally bought a book from Barnes and Noble today, went to 5 Guys, opened the first three pages, and thought to myself, "I'll never read this again. Bring it back." It was back at Barnes and Noble 20 minutes later. I wanted to get myself a new watch band, but even if they would have had the one I wanted in the color and size, I would have probably talked myself out of that too. Picture frame? Can wait. I was never like this before. If I wanted it, I got it. I've also got a bad habit of urging people to buy things they hesitate on. I need to cut that shit out. Now I'm realizing that I can buy all the shit in the world-all the bath bombs and home decor and whatever the fuck else and it won't matter a goddamn thing in the long run. If I live to be a 100 I'm not going to give a shit about a CK Funkopop. I'm going to give a shit about a memory I write about in here.

Anxiety makes me buy things. Depression makes me put them back. I'm not sure if my depression is coming from the fact that yesterday was the anniversary or that I got off of birth control but sometimes it feels like some sadistic shoemaker has made me kicks of cement and they get heavier every time I try to shake them off. Not every day, mind you, but enough to make going anywhere pointless, and yet I refuse to let that dumb feeling put me under house arrest, so out I go.

As much as it all fucking hurts, I recognize this change as a positive one. The curbing of spending, not the depression. It was something I needed to learn. I wanted to go to the cemetery this morning and I should have. I should have done something creative instead of lying around and watching Sopranos. I had a fleeting urge to go back to the Alligator Fest and get me two more of those seafood pistolettes but I decided it wasn't worth sweating my dick off for two mini pieces of bread stuffed with shrimp bisque, which, is if that what it is, I'm going to start ordering when I can.

Last night Lacey and I went to the Alligator Fest and met up with my sister and her friends and the kids, then Scott met us out there. We ate seafood pistolettes, hot dogs, and fried oreos. Didn't ride any rides but it was a good time, even if we were sweaty as fuck. I got to pet a wallaby. There was a snake trailer and we nearly lost our shit when Lacey saw the snake wrapped around the guy and she ran off like the hounds of hell were at her ankles. I am so ready for hoodie weather.

I really want to write but I can't bring myself to do it. It'd make me feel better. I know deep down that it's probably dangerous if I get into it too much because I can't afford to live in that world, but right now I need to live in that world, even if it is bad for me.

As I said before-

this life is still so strange.

-Rae

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick And think of you Caught up in circles Confusion is nothing new Flashback, warm nights Almost left behind Suitcases of memories Time after

Sometimes you picture me I'm walking too far ahead You're calling to me, I can't hear What you've said Then you say, go slow I fall behind The second hand unwinds