this life is more than just a read-through

I managed to break into my private blog, which I haven't written in since I moved to Kenner. Boy, did I give that thing a workout. There is so much I keep in when I write in this one, so much I don't say when I'm with other people. There's some weird voice in my head admonishing me every time I want to say something/open up and it's annoying as fuck all because I never had a problem before. This voice is the same voice that keeps on insisting I'm negative. I'm getting tired of trying to tell myself that I'm not fucking negative, I'm fucking realistic. If you spend your whole life with your head in the goddamn sand, just assuming everything will be peaches and cream, you're in for a rude awakening. Things aren't bad all the time, not by a long shot, I'm not that emo, but I like my ducks in a row. As soon as things settle down a little (if they will at all) I'm going to book an appointment with a therapist because I need someone to help me sort through all this bullshit in my head. It's getting way too much for me to arrange myself, and I am extremely confused. Things are happening and because of those things I've been thinking about putting myself on a dating app but I don't think I'm ready for it all, maybe just to see what the landscape is out there. From what I've been reading and seeing, it's not good at all, but I can't sit around forever. The thought of being left behind has been bothering the fuck out of me, but it looks like I may have no choice. Such is life. I know that until I see a therapist, I'm liable to stay this confused and angry and bitter, and I do not want that at all. I also don't want that to put on anyone I may meet or anyone I already know, because I'm incredibly sick of myself right now and I don't want anyone else to be sick of me either. I just want to snap out of it. time to start listing good things again. good things- i am doing extremely well on food. Oddities Fair is this weekend, extremely excited. -alligator fest is next weekend, deep fried Oreos and seafood cheese pockets here I come