Can’t get enough.

Dear Diary, Nights like this, when the book is good and familiar and Jack is on his favorite pillow and I’m fresh out of a shower, ambient rain video on YouTube, I can almost trick myself into believing that all is well. That I’m happy, or at least content. Of course, it goes without saying that I wouldn’t be this content right now if it weren’t for my little friends in a orange Walmart bottle. The truth is, I’d give anything to be content. Really content. To have money in the bank right now, no stress about how I’m going to manage the next few months and keep a lid on my considerably scattered emotions. I’ve been censoring a lot of my blogs lately because I am afraid of coming off too negative. Sometimes I’m afraid to speak for the same reason, but there are other times when I just let it fly. If I could have only done this first, and have everything in front of me. I feel like I’m looking back so much that I keep stumbling over the future. When I was eighteen or nineteen, the guy I was with had a huge thing for my best friend at the time. She was blonde and bubbly and happy and not like me at all. He was hardly the grand love affair of my life, and in hindsight it wasn’t a really huge loss, but at the time it wasn’t such a great feeling. It was the first time I realized that my not being bubbly could cause some issues down the line, romantic wise. What the fuck, I am who I am. I’m not that great at having female friends, but when I do have them they are usually much peppier than I am. I guess maybe everyone is peppier than I am. At least, I thought, I’m not Eeyore. At least I don’t think I am. The point is, right now I’m okay. I don’t know if it’s because of the pill or because I had a decent and productive weekend or maybe it’s because I’ve got all my favorite ingredients-dog, book, rain (even if it is fake rain, that’s fine with me) and hair that smells like chocolate mint. I have a lot of guilt about the way things have gone down for the last few months, for reasons I will not write about here. I have not acted in a manner pursuant to the person I want to be, and have not treated people I care about in a caring manner. I have no excuse, at least none that I will accept as good enough. I know that everything will come to light sooner or later. So right now I have to concentrate on small victories that hurt no one. Paying my bills. Going to work, even though things are exhausting there right now. Every time I get frustrated with the schedule and my patients I remind myself that I am goddamn lucky to have the job I do and the people I work with. Keeping my apartment clean. Working on Satori. Playing Kingdom Hearts. Watching Sopranos. Taking my pills. Resisting the urge to go into a cave. Taking pictures. I have not been to the cemetery in three months. For some reason I always feel as if I have my ducks in a row, I will be alright. If I do this, this, and that, by this date, I’ll be fine. If I plan my events three months ahead, or even six, we will have a much better time. If I pay things ahead of time, I’ll have some wiggling room. If I keep all my lights off, my bill will be lower. None of these things really matter, in the end. Usually, despite all of my preparations and precautions, shit falls apart. But ticking things off a list has the same salubrious effect on me as it would for someone with OCD to turn off the same light ten times in a row. All of these things-they hurt no one. Probably annoys the fuck out of them, but doesn’t hurt any of them. I’ve done so much damage that even performing small tasks like these give me a small sense of relief. If I’m doing these things, I’m not hurting anyone, or myself. On Saturday I woke up early and went into the office to get the scanning done. It was so nice to be able to sit in that silent office and listen to my music with no fucking patients interrupting me or the phone ringing or therapists needing things at the top of the hour when the shit is hitting the fan. I got all of it done and made it home before ten am and made a few hours of OT in the process. It was such a small thing but it made me feel good. Unfortunately it was a one time event, but it helped. I wouldn’t want to come in on Saturdays anyway; that would set a bad precedent. Came here and cleaned up and vacuumed and then watched Endgame that night, which was really good. Slept like a champ. Woke up and cooked breakfast and did some Satori work, then got dressed and Lacey and I headed to Luling, where she met Tee and Monica for the first time, that was great. They liked each other, which was awesome. Then we went over to Mom’s and had a Disney meeting and ate Monte Cristos (mmm) and had raspberry torte cake. I have a private list on Amazon with just stuff I need for Disney. I’m even getting a bento box so that I can put all the treats I’m too full to eat into it and eat it when I’m dying slowly in a bathtub after twelve hours of running around Disneyworld with a five year old. At this point food and drink alone will run me straight into the ground money wise-Lacey and I are splitting most drinks but at this rate I might as well get a big bottle and just blend all the fucking drinks in there. Found out that if we order stuff off of Amazon Prime in our room it will arrive in an hour, don’t ask me fucking how, Amazon is creepy that way. We’re also buying a photo package for unlimited Disney photos and I get to be in charge of curating all of it (which is my job anyway, so weee). Found out Kelly is moving to NC next weekend so I hurriedly threw together a little getting away party next Friday. Then my friend Katie is coming down from Michigan, then Oddities Fair and Alligator Festival. I am majorly freaking out about all the things coming up and my lack of funds but I’m discovering that I am pretty good at getting things done, even on my limited budget. After that is Big Easy Con, probably booking flight for Disney, and Renfest. Christmas (God I’m stressed about Christmas) and then the big con (not sure if I’m getting a room for that, we’ll see) and then Disney. I see a lot of over time in my future. I keep telling myself to keep it simple, stupid. One thing at a time. I’m not wired that way but I’m trying. That’s all we can do, is try. As for love, well... There’s no keeping that simple. -Rae