for whom the bell tolls

Remind me never to go tubing in August again.

Last week was insane. I worked all of those hours and still had to do some fancy footwork to get everything paid. Come on August, fuck off already. Ready for a fucking cold front.

Managed to get everything done and cleaned by Friday for company to come over. Made groceries (very early, I did not feel like dealing with scores of people at Walmart) paid bills, we finally got the TV paid off, thank God. Lacey came over first, talked about Disney. We've got a Disney meeting this Sunday at my Mom's, and before that I'm taking her to meet Tee. Sid came over to bring me some medicine for Jack, and then Scott showed up. We all decided to go swimming.

They got hungry so we went over to Applebees. Felt embarrassed that I couldn't get anything, I'm now that person. They offered to buy me something to eat but I couldn't bring myself to let them. It kind of brought me down for awhile, but Applebees isn't exactly what I'd spend my $ on if I had a choice anyway. I had a bite or two of chicken tenders, and told myself that I had just made groceries.

Not long before I moved to Sunlake it was brought to my attention that I wasn't to be expected for anyone to 'support' me while I was on my own, and ever since then it's been hard for me to let someone pick up the tab because I never thought I gave the impression that I expected people to take care of me. I hate accepting money from my own Dad. I'm not a position right now where I can 'return the favor' and I don't like not being able to return the favor.

It's amazing how much money changes in your eyes when you're on your own. If something's over $5, depending on what that item is, it's too much for me. $20 is now an extravagance. $50 is almost unheard of. $100 might as well be on the goddamn moon. Still, I'm doing it though. The best I can.

When we got back to the apartment Sid left and we hung out until we had to go get Bryan. Scott stayed at my apartment to watch the Saints game (he was kind enough to get me a receiver so I could get basic cable for free) and Lacey and I went to Luling to get Bry. Had to stop at Mom's and then the Dollar Tree, then got Bryan, forgot I had to bring something back to Mom, dropped it off, stopped at Subway, stopped at Luling Walmart, got gas, went back to Kenner, got Rally's for Bryan, then finally got back home. Chelsea didn't get to my place until 10 and at that point we were all worn out. Passed the fuck out.

Woke up early, took out Jack, got dressed, started putting stuff together, woke everyone up at 7:15. Everyone else came over, we were on the road by 8:30, stopped for breakfast in Mandeville, got to tubing center around 10ish. Place was packed, we've never seen it that busy. We're usually the first ones there. Megan was there with her group, nice people. Got our tickets, got everything set up, jumped on the bus, got on the river. Scott saw a snake right when we got in but I didn't see anything else for the rest of the trip. It was fun, listened to good music, stopped at beaches, got good pictures. Didn't really get caught up very badly, though Brit and her friend Michelle (first time tubers) got hit in the chest with some branches. The river was very low, which I've never seen before.

Felt strange being there and being single, though in some ways some things didn't change, which felt even weirder. It seemed to take forever to get to the end and by that time we were exhausted and it was much later then we usually got out. We all took showers and went to 2nd & Charles, which was fun but everyone was much too hungry and tired to really enjoy it. Steak and Shake was so freaking good, I got a double steakburger, fuck it, I burned off a shit ton of calories. We didn't get home till about 9pm. My legs were bright freaking red. Woke up at 7am yesterday and went to go get some aloe, which I promptly put in the freezer. Uploaded pictures-I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do for Disney, I'm already running out of space on oDrive. Did pretty much nothing all day yesterday after Chelsea left to go home. Watched Hell's Kitchen and some Sopranos. Scott got us some pizza. They decided to sleep over because he didn't feel like driving all the way to DA. I slept so freaking hard that I nearly cried when I had to wake up and go to work today, and it's a late day for me.

When I get home I plan on taking a shower and deep conditioning my hair, putting on my softest pajamas, making myself some dinner, and lying the fuck out and watching Rocketman. Last night I had dreams that made me relive last January/February all over again, so I really hope that doesn't happen tonight.

I'm so confused. About everything. Trying to keep a roof over my head and keeping myself out of debt takes up all of my energy, so at the end of the day or week I don't have much time to reexamine where I'm at emotionally. All I know is that I'm confused. And I'm scared. And I still don't feel safe, which has nothing to do with being safe financially. I miss feeling safe. But I've been through worse, and going to work some OT so I can get into the MD office and get myself something. I keep saying that but something always comes up. I need to start writing again-I've been feeling some stirrings of an urge, but it's hard to get anything done at work and my attention span at home is terrible, I can never write at home. I wasn't able to write much when I lived in the condo. Just the weird way my brain works. I miss A. When I'm with A, I don't feel unsafe.

Switching to Capital One was a great decision. I'm never going back to Regions. I no longer feel sick to my stomach when logging into my bank account. Gonna take a minute to get used to having one debit card for all three of my accounts, but I can take that over fighting with Regions over fees and overdrafts. I fucking hate calling a bank/dealing with them in any way that doesn't involve a computer or an app.

I am also glad I started Sopranos and got back into playing Kingdom Hearts again. It keeps my brain off of all the things I'm too tired to think about/can't do anything about right now.

Going do some work on Satori.

-Rae