dancing in the dark

Was reading a fanfic story that had Buffy the Vampire Slayer in it and all of a sudden I remembered when I was 13 or 14 and we got a room at the President Hotel in Biloxi (long since ushered to sea by Katrina) and I had that Buffy book (why I had a Buffy book, I'll never know, I didn't watch the show at all) and it was hot and sticky but I was happy and young and hadn't met Tyler yet and my life was unencumbered by romantic drama. I remember that hotel very well-it wasn't in the best shape and one time Davlyn and I were swimming and there was glass in the pool from a broken underwater light and they wouldn't fix it. That was the trip that we put those sparkly butterfly clips in Scotty's hair and then went to that waterpark where there were crabs in the pools and we'd have to swim carefully or get our toes pinched. Back when Biloxi didn't have holes punched in it and there were a shit-ton of things to do. I haven't thought about the President Hotel in years but not long after that I met Tyler and everything started to fold in on itself.

At some point we stopped staying at the President; I don't know why but after I met Brad and started hanging out with the Groupies we only ever stayed at the Isle. Maybe my Uncle stopped getting comps, I never knew why we never went back. Back then it would be a Friday night and Davlyn would call me up and say, "Leaving for Biloxi in a few hours, wanna come?" and before we knew it we had a van full of friends and it didn't take three and a half months of planning to go to the beach for two nights. Back then, the beach was my Gatlinburg-I dreamt about it all the time. At the beach I didn't burn for Tyler the way I would if I were home.

Now there's a new fancy hotel right where the President used to be, and it even resembles the layout a bit. Nothing stays the same, but then again I guess it's not supposed to.

Now I'm 33 and that 13 year old Rae (or Racy, as I liked to be called then) seems like someone I gave birth to and then died, so long ago that I barely remember her. In ten years I'll look back at 33 year old Rae and shake my head at all of the things she didn't know. We are so many people throughout life that I don't think we ever really know ourselves.

Anyway, time to stop being nostalgic. It never gets me anywhere I want to go.

Bought ticket for Oddities fair, made groceries, bought some floats for my digital camera for tubing. I like using my GoPro but I need some steadier shots without water on the lens, must get waterproof casing at some point, though tubing season is almost over and it can wait. Must buy new bra soon, but overall I need to get my ass to my primary and get some shit for anxiety. When I was grocery shopping on Friday I nearly lost my shit and cried all the way home. People, man, we need another fucking plague, there's just too fucking many of them and they're all annoying as fuck. Got Jack's dental pills too, hopefully they help. Next check is tubing and a big bill check so I am working as much OT as I can. Decent weekend, got to go swimming and went to the mall and the movies. Went swimming early yesterday morning, that was nice. Must go swimming more often before it gets cold.

Thinking about taking a break from chat or at least going back into my hole until things in my brain calm down. The weekend after this one I'm going to have people over at my apt all weekend so I'd better get some peace and quiet while I can. I tried making my cuban crispy rolls-that didn't turn out well at all. Oh well, at least I tried. Can't wait till summer is over so I have more freedom with $$.

Liz wants to get a room for Big Easy but as I am saving up for Disney and the big con I don't know if I'm doing it yet, depends on cash flow. I keep on having to remind myself to remember my priorities and take one thing at a time, and right now besides bills my mental health comes first, because if that falls apart then it all falls apart.

When I was staying at my Mom's for the 'storm' I couldn't sleep so I went back and read some of my old entries in here, from when I left, and I don't know how I did it. Back then all I kept saying was, "Just get through the first few months. By the time summer hits it's peak you'll have your routine and you'll be okay" but I had no idea what version of okay I would be. I don't know how I managed to pack up all my shit and leave, probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I did it and now I'm here and though I know we did the right thing I'm still confused as fuck on some points. I guess time will tell.

One thing's for sure though, def need to start getting Xmas presents in September so I'm not freaking out and can save any birthday money for Disney. A friend of mine from Michigan is coming down in early September, so I gotta save up a little $ for that.

I'd better go. I have four patients at 6 and they're all fucking evals so I might not get out of here till late, which is probably a good thing so I can rack up that $$.

-Rae